I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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