I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
