You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
