the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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