I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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