he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
