I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
