I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
