some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
