There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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