Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
