DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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