i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
