i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
