im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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