I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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