I skipped work to stalk him.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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