How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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