shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
