The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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