i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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