dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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