Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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