im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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