we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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