I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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