I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize