my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
