you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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