You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
