hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
