So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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