I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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