I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Your cock deserves a montage
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
