I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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