Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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