You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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