My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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