I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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