Apparently you make a good broom.
My hand turned me down
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
