some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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