mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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