Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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