worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
