I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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