I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
