I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
