it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
no, he came in my armpit
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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