4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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