Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
