I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
