i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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