He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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