Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
